by Jeff Tydeman
Joyous Austinites flock to downtown streets to greet newly-arrived homeless person Ricardo “Little Ricky” Jenkins.
The streets were awash with jubilation as yet another unhoused, unemployed man came to the Texas state capitol. Champagne bottles popped and rose petals were strewn in his path as he made his unsteady way up Congress from Second Street, where a Corrections Department van from Houston had dropped him. Women screamed and men strained to hold in tears of joy.
“We are so lucky,” said City Assistant Manager Denise Walker. “It was between us and Dallas and we landed him—another body to store and mouth to feed. AND he’s diabetic, so we’re just thrilled to have him.” She added an exultant fist pump.
Jenkins was immediately put up in the luxury W Hotel, checking in there after finding the view from the Hilton ‘lackluster.’ Like all homeless people, he was offered a complimentary snack buffet and open bar. “Where’s the f—— Grey Goose?” commented Jenkins. “And I don’t consider Funyuns a suitable appetizer.”
Stephanie Fischer, VP of Human Resources for Dell Computers, was able to outbid local mega-employer Whole Foods for the right to offer Jenkins a high paying job. “He has no discernible skills, a sketchy work history, and a felony domestic abuse record—he’s just the kind of guy we’re looking for,” she gushed.
Police Chief Art Acevedo handed the 32-year-old substance abuser one of Austin’s famous ‘free passes’ to drink and get high on any street corner. “We here at APD pride ourselves on treating homeless right.”
As is a custom in our fair city, Jenkins had his choice of local virgins to deflower although the search was long and arduous; quivering youngsters strutted and posed to catch the eye of the man of honor. He finally chose three, two slutty girls and an apple-cheeked boy “so’s he could get his freak on proper-wise”.
City employees vowed to work round the clock to secure him government benefits, although, according to one, “it would be much easier if he was an illegal alien.”
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